Music To My Ears

It's not often I'm away from the boys for more than a few hours. Honestly, I get a handful of days throughout the year when I'm "off duty". They take much planning and coordination of schedules, often requiring babysitting, and sometimes it feels like it was more trouble than it was worth. Tonester's wacky work schedule has never made time away from the boys easy for me.

Unexpectedly, yesterday was one of those days I needed to be away for the entire day. Although my day was not one of pleasure (a topic for another post...) I was gone from morning into the evening. Thankfully, it coincided with Tonester's day off.

When I finally arrived home I was welcomed by a freshly showered and pajamaed Domino, cuddled up on the couch reading his new favorite book "Diary of a Wimpy Kid". Then I was greeted by a half-toweled and wet Rascal, running through the house to get his pajamas on with Tonester running after him trying to hold the other half of the towel up. Smiles all around.

Tonester and I sat in the kitchen for a while, updating each other on the events of the day -- and then I heard it.

Rascal had joined Domino on the couch and snuggled in close. Domino was reading his book to Rascal. They must have sat there for about a half hour together, no fighting, no whining, just 2 boys enjoying a good book together. Each time Tonester would try to say something to me I would "shhh!!" him so I could listen in on the brother bonding some more. My heart swelled and filled with joy in that way the Grinch's does at the end of How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

After an incredibly stressful day away, I could think of no better way to end it.


Update:
The boys woke up this morning, and instead of heading for the TV to watch SpongeBob or beg to play video games, they headed straight for the couch together with the book!

Case Closed

Recently, I noticed an anomaly while folding Rascal's laundry. His clean laundry consisted of several pairs of pants, a few pairs of sweat pants, several plain t-shirts, a few regular shirts, a bunch of pajamas, lots and lots of socks, and just one pair of underwear.

"Well, that's odd..." I thought to myself.

I posted something about it on Facebook and many people suggested that he's going commando. I didn't think that was his usual personal style so I made a mental note to follow up on the odd laundry ratio. Then I noticed a large amount of kid underwear in with the whites in my dirty laundry basket so I assumed that Tonester had pulled them out of Rascal's laundry to bleach. Makes perfect sense. Mystery solved, case closed.

A week later, I did another load of Rascal laundry and found just one pair of underwear. Something isn't adding up.

Later that night I cornered him.

"Hey Rascal, are you changing your underwear every day?"
"Mom, my underwear are fine."
"That wasn't my question. And what do you mean that your underwear 'are fine'??"
"Mom, it's like this. It's okay. Honest."
"Wearing dirty underwear is never okay."
"They aren't dirty!"
"It's not okay to wear the same pair of underwear for days and days. That's dirty and gross."
"They are not dirty and gross! I only fart in them!"

Like that clarification helped prove his case...

Losing My Marbles

I used to say "Ask, Tell, Make" was my parenting style. First I'm going to Ask you to pick up your shoes, then I'm going to Tell you to pick up your shoes. God help you if I get to Make and I force you to pick up your shoes. It seems now that I have replaced Tell, and head straight for Yell.

How many times can you remind your child to do XYZ and discover it STILL isn't done without losing your cool? How many times can you ask your child to do XYZ and not get a response before flipping out? How many times can you tell your kids FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH! and watch them jump day.after.day. without having your head come spinning off?

Yell first, ask questions later. It feels like for anyone to listen to me, I have to yell. About everything. About nothing.


It seemed so much easier when the kids were little (okay - 8 and 7 are still little!) and they hadn't yet perfected the art of the blow off, but lately it seems like yelling is the only way to get through to them. Pokemon cards all over the floor? Yell. Left his jacket in the car? Yell. Didn't flush? You guessed it -Yell.

Pick my battles? Sure. But then you end up with a kid wearing Crocs in the snow at Discovery Kingdom because he didn't listen to you and now his feet are cold and wet and "it's too slippery" and he's making YOU miserable with all the whining BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU TOLD HIM WHAT SHOES TO WEAR. Maybe if I had yelled it?

Or you have a boy who has a meltdown because he hasn't eaten a bite of food since 7:30AM and it's now 3PM, and he's got a full lunchbox that has been ignored. (I'm sure that led to a very productive day at school.) And this goes on every.single.day for a week. And at least 3 days on the other weeks.

Or you have a boy that leaves the passenger door to the car open, all night, because he forgot to grab his backpack out of car when he got home from school and went out later on his own to retrieve it. And now you have a dead car battery from the interior car lights being on all night with the car door open.

They've learned to tune me and my yelling out. It's clearly an ineffective communication tool.

So I've purchased a jar and filled it with marbles. At the beginning of the month I will fill it with marbles. When I feel like their behavior would elicit Crazy Mom yelling at them, out come marbles from the jar. Marbles left in the jar at the end of the month will earn them a reward.

The goal? Don't make mom lose her marbles - and maybe we'll all be happier for it.

Hello? Is this thing on??

Oh, hello. Sorry about that 14 month absence. Did you miss me? I blame Facebook.


There's no way I can catch up on over a year's worth of missing blog posts, but here are some of my Facebook status updates of 2010. And that's just about 1/4 of the posts from 2010. It's been a busy year!

On the school front - yes, our happy little school closed down at the end of the school year. That sucked. We were repeatedly denied enrollment at "the preferred school" in our home town and for a while there I feared I would have to homeschool. That was a terrifying prospect for all involved. But never doubt the power of a very determined mom holding a pen (or in my case, typing emails). I harassed our local school district superintendent of elementary education until she finally said "you win" and granted our transfer. We are now happy "dragons" per our new school mascot.

As wonderful as "the preferred school" is (excellent test scores! right down the street!) the new school is huge. The classes are huge. There are only a handful of parents who pitch in. I work more now at this new school to pick up the slack where other parents flake/don't-care/can't work in class than I did at the old school. 15 minutes for a kid to each lunch?? Ridiculous. Completely changing a class from a 3/4 combo class to a 2/3 combo class 8 weeks into the school year?? Ludicrous. It's been a rough adjustment to put it mildly.

The beginning of the year for Domino included problems with bullies and bathroom passes (being called a "puto" by several boys in class and only allowed to go to the bathroom 3 times a month?! WTF!) and he still struggles to connect with friends, but academically he's strong and enjoying himself. Because of the dreadful combo class set up, he's given lots of "independent reading time", which he loves. He's read through the first 4 Harry Potter books and is currently obsessed with anything and everything Pokemon.

Rascal is in another K/1 combo class - this time as a big 1st grader. Initially when I delayed Rascal's kindergarten year, I knew all the reasons and research of why it was the best thing for him, I accepted that it was the right decision, but I never really fully got it. Knowing, accepting, and understanding are all so different! I see him now working independently in 1st grade and he is working confidently at his grade level. He's not struggling. He's not bored. I also work in Domino's 2/3 combo class with the 2nd graders, the kids who would be Rascal's academic peers had I placed him in kindergarten based on birth year alone. I GET IT NOW. The academic expectations, the behavior expectations, the social expectations and variances between 1st and 2nd grade - he would be struggling, miserable and lacking all confidence and self esteem. It was very easy for me to expound the virtues of delaying kindergarten before -- but holy moly let me get on my soapbox and grab a megaphone and shout it to the world! I'm so very glad I listened to Mz. Lori's advice.

Gee, what else has happened since October 2009?!

The boy's half sister "Mallory" has been allowed in our lives. It's been rough all around. She's 16 and comes with her 16 year old issues and 16 year old drama. Once upon a time I fought so stupidly and foolishly with my mom that I stopped speaking to her when I was 15 and didn't regain a relationship with her until my dad passed away about 7 years later. I pierced my own ears, multiple times, dyed the ends of my hair black like the singer from Berlin, and shaved the side of my head like Cyndi Lauper. I thought I knew everything. The irony that I am now a step mom to a teenage girl who constantly fights with her mom over foolish things, who has recently dyed her hair black and pierced her lip, is not lost on me. She is a beautiful troubled young lady and I hope whatever time we're allowed in her life we can be a positive influence and help her find a path for her life that won't be as difficult as the ones she's been choosing lately. She's not making it easy for herself - or for us - and I hope Tonester doesn't give up trying. They've hit a rocky spot and neither are willing to budge. I can clearly see where she gets it from...

Speaking of the Tonester - he is still working wacky hours. After a few years being spoiled with his 4am-1pm shift, he's back on the 1-11pm shift - dreadful hours for little boys who are in school during the day and want to see their daddy at night, but paychecks are hard to come by in this recession and we're happy he has a job. He recently took up running with a neighborhood friend. It's been sorta funny watching him hobble around the house the past few days as his body adjusts to the new regimen. 41 is tough. I'm proud of him for getting off his butt and doing something. Now if I could just follow his example...

I'm struggling to make connections with moms at the new school (most do a drive way drop off) so this year has been a bit isolating and frustrating personally. I had always envisioned a clean house and lots of free time on my hands when both boys finally (finally!) went to the same school with the same hours, just minutes from our home, but that certainly isn't the case. Thankfully, I'm still working part time virtually and that keeps my brain going and a little money flowing. It's a great gig (or 2 in my case!) and I'm really lucky to have the jobs with such supportive bosses. It's been a very rough year for us financially and my 2 little jobs keep the lights on and the dog fed. Can't ask for much more.

"And that's the news from Lake Wobegon..."

The Beginning of the End

We've been very busy with the new school year.

Domino's teacher is the PERFECT teacher for him. She's kind, warm, fuzzy, creative, musical, and well versed in children with sensory issues. She listens, she responds, she seeks my advice, she makes me feel like we're part of a team. I couldn't ask for a better teaching environment for him (other than the removal of a few specific students from the classroom, but hey, it's a public school...). His teacher took the class on a field trip to her house to study the Napa Valley. She has 13 acres of grapes and the kids worked on their map making skills, studied the horticulture of the grapevine and the science of making grape jelly! She thinks outside the traditional teaching methods and finds unique ways to get information through. She's the teacher all the parents hope their child gets. Former students run to give her hugs. She makes a difference.

Rascal is flourishing in kindergarten. His teacher this year is Domino's first grade teacher from last year. There's a comfort that is there based on familiarity but the class is different - a combo K/1 class. It's a hard class to manage and I can see the teacher has her work cut out for her. There's a wide range of abilities, based on temperaments and the ages of the kids. There's some first graders who are turning 7 and some kindergartners who are still 4 and can't figure out how to use a pair of scissors. Rascal is bright, confident, articulate and very eager to please. Each day Rascal likes to give me the "apple report" (a chart of apples that indicate each child's behavior for the day), the recess update (who played with who), and then he tattles about someone "not respecting boundaries". He is very proud that his apple has never been changed and I worry that when he does make a mistake and gets reprimanded, he's going to lose his marbles completely.

But I tend to worry about things before they happen...

We learned last week that their school as we know it will be shut down at the end of the school year. Some crap about it being marketed as a magnet school, but no guarantee that it will have any federal funding to really make it one. The school district has decided that the schools need to reflect the racial diversity of the county and has announced their plans to rezone, realign, reboundary and whatever else they feel like to make the schools "diverse" - including merging our "alternative program" with the "traditional program" housed on our campus.

For us, merging our schools is a horrible prospect. I drive 20 miles each way to attend this unique school, work my required volunteer shifts at the school (2-3 shifts a month per child, libary parent twice a week, Marvelous Mondays assistant on Monday afternoons, information team leader, create school rosters and handbooks, liaison between teachers and parents... and the list goes on and on...) and other parents in the alternative program are like minded and working in areas to benefit all our children. We're all involved in our childrens' education and their happiness and test scores reflect that. Our scores will be watered down by the traditional program stats and instead of a distinguished eduction, my boys will receive a regular run of the mill public school one. Those who attend our alternative program are being called racists because we don't want to mix our 85% "non-minority" school with the 90% "minority" english language learner school. Forgive me for not wanting my kids to be flushed down the public school system drain.

Most parents are all still working in the school, waiting for its official demise. Some are leaving now, some are riding it out - and some are willing to continue on next year with the mixed non-alternative program school. There's endless playground chatter among the adults "What are you doing next year?" "Will you be back?" "Did you hear so and so is leaving??" and the kids are already picking up on it. "What's going on Mom?" the boys have already asked. "Oh, some changes are going to be made to your school next year". "What changes?" "I don't really know all of the details yet, but will let you know when I do."

I fear the transition from alternative teaching methods to traditional ones filled with ditto sheets and desks. I wonder how the boys will adjust. I worry about the loss of my boys tight knit group of friends and small school environment - moving to a school more than 5 times the size we're used to. I mourn the sudden end of my parent involvement in their classroom and their school. And all of that perseveration is based on a "best case scenario" that I can get the boys into my preferred school in our town. It's not a bad school, it's just not the type of teaching program I dreamed the boys would attend. And if I don't get them into that school, and they are forced to go to our designated "neighborhood school" instead, we're seriously considering the homeschool option. God help us all.

The change is many months away, and my boys are more resilient than I give them credit for, but I recognize that I have to be very careful. I know they will take their cues from the way that I handle the process. I don't do change very well...

Rascal's Big Adventure

It seems like just yesterday that Rascal was born. Ok, that's a bold face lie. It doesn't feel like yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that...

Rascal, 2 days old

I can hardly remember the days before Rascal was part of our lives. He has something to do with that - the lack of memories - because he's kept me pretty busy the past 5+ years. The better portion of the first 3 years of his life is a complete blur and that's probably a good thing.

He came to us by surprise. My rapid labor and his flying entrance into the world was nothing like I had expected or experienced before. He became known as "brother", and Domino became known as that too. Interchangeable those 2 at times - and others as different as night and day. Just when I thought I had the hang of the parenting thing, Rascal would prove me wrong.

Rascal listened closely that very first morning in the hospital. I layed down the law pretty thick and quick. "You'd better get the hang of the breastfeeding and sleeping quick kiddo. I don't have time for games" I leaned into the hospital bassinet and warned him. He respectfully obliged as well as any infant could. It was still a struggle, 2 babies under a 1 1/2 years old, but we all came through it a stronger, if not completely exhausted, family.

Rascal, Mom & Domino, winter 2005 (age 2)

Rascal has been eagerly talking about going to school with his brother for a few years now, begging and pleading. He's crashed school field trips, dressed up on school spirit weeks, and has been included in all playdates with the big kids like he was part of the group. Rascal has even gone so far (on several occasions) as to bring a back pack with him to Domino's school and then "blending in" with the other kids who are shuffling off in line to class. He's squeaked past the teacher on more than once, disguised in Domino's hat and jacket, and is always sad when I silently grab his hand and walk him out the door to leave. "But I want to go to kindergarten!" he would cry out. "Soon enough." I'd tell him, "You've still got some learning to do at preschool first."

Rascal and Domino, school spirit "sports day", 2009 (age 5)

Rascal will be starting kindergarten next week. We "gave him the gift of time" and kept him another year at preschool. I can see now he's ready to go, can handle the academics and his emotions (for the most part). We've been talking about going to school with brother for months now, and I must confess even using it as a threat at times ("you can't sit like that if you want to go to kindergarten!"), and Rascal has been counting the days down on the calendar.

That is, until T-10 days and counting...

I found him in his room this weekend crying, listening to a CD I had made him for his preschool graduation. He told me he missed his teacher. He missed his school. He missed his friends. He missed his cubby. He didn't want to go to kindergarten. He only wants to go to his old school. Forever. My heart crumbled into a billion pieces as I held his little crying body against my chest.

I reassured him the best I could and just held him and rocked him. He's not such a big boy after all.

I arranged "to bump into" his preschool teacher Mz. Lori at the Farmer's Market this morning. She took his hand and they walked around the market together, her chatting nonchalantly, but with a pure intention of putting him at ease. She explained to him in ways that he could understand that's he's ready for the next phase of his life. She's truly a miracle worker with kids because when we were leaving he promised to tell her all about kindergarten "because we're always going to be friends and part of each others lives forever." Knowing his Mz. Lori, that is very true.

Rascal and Mz. Lori, 2009

It got me thinking - what's next? I have been home with 1 or more kids underfoot for over 7 years. I can't imagine what I'll do all day without Rascal. With his silly smile, his goofy dances and his company.

Rascal at soccer camp, summer 2009

Will my new life at home without kids be as cool as going to kindergarten?!

Leaps and Bounds

I've been away from the blogging thing for a while now. I haven't really been inspired and I've just been plugging along day to day. Schedules and routines at home are out the window (Tonester is working the 4AM shift these days), summer vacation is in full swing and I still haven't gotten my groove back. I have been getting bogged down in the day to day grind of life and haven't really had a chance to step back and marvel at my kids. When I'm around them all day, every day, their quirks and temperaments feel more like a nuisance than something that "is what it is". It's difficult to see their growth and charm when there's no distance. Forrest through the trees...

Domino took me by surprise this weekend. Do you remember my description of him watching the fireworks last year at Disneyland? I cringe just thinking about it. This year for the 4th of July holiday we went to Silverado Country Club where they launch their own fireworks. Hundreds of people gather on the golfing green with their picnics (and wine!) and blankets and watch the show directly overhead. I have to confess, I thought I was nuts when I agreed to go, bracing myself for Domino's worst. When the fireworks started Domino was thrilled! He covered his ears but "oohed and ahhhhed" with the rest of us. He handled himself and his sensory issues like a pro.


But Domino's shocks didn't end there.

We went to the Foley's on the 4th for the annual bash. Each year they get a massive waterslide for the backyard and the big kids go nuts. In the past, Domino typically tiptoes down the slide and keeps his head dry at all times and calls it quits after about 10 minutes. This year? Much different! He stayed out there for about an hour, running and jumping, splashing and "wiping out". The water was freezing, his teeth were chattering, and we couldn't get him off the waterslide. Each time we thought he was ready to get out he'd announce "Just one more time!"

Cowabunga!

The kid might actually learn to swim someday!

His head is wet and he's happy about it!

Rascal is still Rascal - although I'm try to appreciate him for all of his Rascal-ness. We're having some ups and downs but I think kindergarten will be a great thing for us both. Summer vacation is hard for him - having to share more of his time with me and his toys with his brother - but he's also thrilled to have a constant companion. He creates all sorts of games with Domino that involve stuffed animals, playing cards and bowling pins.

He moves at a different pace than Domino. He's a different kid. With different needs that need to be honored and met. He doesn't like to be disappointed. He doesn't like to be wrong. He doesn't like feeling like things aren't fair. And he'll let you know it when he feels those things by stomping his feet down the hallway and slamming his bedroom door like a 13 year old girl. A little distance, a little time, and he's ready to play nice again. I can understand those feelings. Someone recently told me that when someone is pushing your buttons they are really showing you your "tikune" - or what you need to work on in yourself. Rascal will make a great teacher because he's showing me lots these days!

Overall I can say life is good. Looking at the big picture - it's a beautiful place to be.