Who does delaying kindergarten hurt?

I don't deal with confrontation well. I'm the unsatisfied customer who mutters stuff under their breath and vows to never shop in certain places again, rather than create a scene and deal with the manager. This is pretty funny considering I worked as a retail manager for far too many years and had to diffuse many unpleasant people and I do know how to get what I want. I'm bitchy and catty and have a temper - but for the most part I only unleash on the ones I love.

Today, I found myself having to defend the choice I made to delay Rascal's entry into kindergarten with a stranger - and I wasn't prepared for the backlash.

Last year, when we didn't get Rascal into the preschool class of my choice (a morning class with his age group that would correspond with Domino's morning kindergarten class) Mz Lori suggested we consider having Rascal repeat his first year of preschool. She kindly calls this process "giving them the gift of a year". This was a great idea for Rascal for many reasons.

- Rascal has a fall birthday and would be on the immature end of the spectrum of kids. Many other states have a kindergarten eligibility birth date prior to the start of the school year - not the case in California which squeaks kids in with birthdays up until the beginning of December.

- Rascal is always the "little guy" at home - the follower. Allowing him to be one of the older kids in his classroom gives him the chance to become a leader, the big kid, which he will never be able to do at home. Could set him up with a totally different confidence level for the rest of his life.

- Domino and Rascal's birthdays are just a few days shy of 18 months apart. They have been together at all times since Rascal's birth. Having Rascal delay school a little longer helps him develop a circle of friends not associated with his brother's friends and help him gain his own identity. This will also help me accept he has his own identity, because they are together so often, have the same friends, enjoy the same stuff - it's hard to honor or encourage or engage their own defining features.

- Rascal is different than Domino in learning style. Domino was reading on his own at age 3, Rascal at age 4 1/2 refuses to cooperate when approached about reading. Giving him another year in preschool gives him another year to master needed skills instead of force him to flounder on skills he's not ready to tackle.

- Emotionally, he's not ready. Having seen the social expectations, conflict resolution skills and physical independence needed by Domino this year in kindergarten - I believe Rascal is in no way ready for kindergarten this fall. The epic meltdown that he had at preschool yesterday (and the one last week) are proof enough that he just can't hold his crap together under the best of circumstances.

That all sounds fine and dandy. You might even be shaking your head in agreement, especially if you know Rascal. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make and a small (teeny tiny) part of my heart often questions it. Am I denying him something? Will he be angry at me his senior year when he's 18 and still in high school? Will he think I thought he was too dumb to go to kindergarten and hold it against me?? I just know, that knowing what I know today, he's not ready.

Back to the conflict. I was waiting outside Domino's class at pick up and I was approached with casual conversation from another mom. We are very different, born on opposite sides of the world, and have different ways of speaking to(wards) people. (That is my attempt at a politically correct, sugar coated way of describing this woman - again, fear of conflict...). Rascal was awake, which is unusual because he usually falls asleep on the car ride over, and she asked him how old he is.

"4 1/2" he said.
"Oh - so he'll be coming here for kindergarten in the fall?"
And I said my now standard "No, we've decided to delay kindergarten a year. He's just not ready yet."

Now, with everyone else I've spoken to - even those that don't agree with our choice - nobody has ever ARGUED with me about it. People have questioned in ways that made me understand my choice is not the choice they would have made, and that's fine. Today, I was assaulted with reasons why it was wrong - how it hurts THE OTHER KIDS IN THE CLASS, how it puts them at a disadvantage in academics and in sports because they are now competing with someone "so much older", how it skews test scores of the socio economically challenged kids who are forced to enter kindergarten on schedule because of the cost of childcare. She probably had a dozen or so reasons but honestly, the world was spinning, my heart was pounding and I couldn't breathe and I might have lost consciousness - or at least was looking for a very large hole to stick my head in.

I spouted off the litany of reasons why Rascal is not academically, socially or emotionally ready for kindergarten - to which she kept abruptly saying, and I quote, "No. He's fine. He needs to go to kindergarten. You are wrong to hold him back." I was literally saved by the bell when the class came pouring through the door and we were greeted by our kids and I scurried off without a glance.

I'm not looking for affirmations here that we made the right choice with Rascal. I know we made the right choice. I know that kid better than anyone in this world. He would NOT thrive in kindergarten next year. He WILL thrive in preschool.

What I don't know is why I didn't shout back at the woman "WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT HOW IT AFFECTS ANYONE IN THE CLASS BUT MY SON?!" If anyone is hurt by holding him back it's my bank account - more money in preschool tuition and less availability for work. Not entirely a win-win situation but still the right choice.