Hard To Admit

I haven’t written much about Rascal lately. There’s a reason for that.

Rascal and I are in the middle of some serious power struggles. I am told that it is completely normal for his age but I have to be brutally honest and say that I’m really not enjoying my time with him these days.

I can’t quite explain what is going on with him and me, but I know that it is primarily a “him and me” thing. He doesn’t act this way around Tonester (well, not to the same degree) and he certainly doesn’t act this way around school and friends. It’s saved for the moments we are together.

Example: This morning for breakfast I made him some mini-pancakes and gave him half a banana. He said “I’m not eating any banana Mom”. I picked my battle and said “Fine, don’t eat the banana” – to which he responded by defiantly picking up the banana and taking the biggest bite he could, gagging banana up. Then he screamed loud enough for the neighbors to hear, just how much he hates pancakes. Why?!

Example 2: He’s been super picky eating lately so I asked him what he wanted for lunch. He couldn’t decide so I gave him some options. He responded he wanted peanut butter on a spoon (will no longer eat sandwiches) and “the same stuff Domino had in his lunch bag”. So, I did exactly as I was asked. It was met with screams, foot stomping, tears, fist pounding and even the throwing of a hat. Why?!! At that point, I was so frustrated with the events of the day with him I said “are you f***ing kidding me?” and I promptly put myself on a time out in my room.

I want Rascal to be excited to see me when he comes home after an afternoon out with Tonester, the way that I’m excited to see him again. I don’t want to be greeted with tattletales of what happened while they were out and the temper tantrum he’s been holding inside. I want a chance to be the good cop and be greeted with bear hugs and cheers – not hear the garage door slam open and the wailing “Mooooooooooommmmmmmm” echoing down the hall. I don't want to hear from Tonester "I don't know why he's doing that with you, he was fine with me all afternoon." I don't want to have to take Rascal out of a restaurant in the middle of grandpa's birthday dinner because he's melting down about the quesadillas he specifically asked me to bring, but I've "ruined everything" because they are not quesadillas from the Mexican restaurant down the street (like I was going to make a separate restaurant run for quesadillas?!).

"He's just 4" I keep telling myself as I wander around the parking lot of Black Angus while everyone else is inside eating. "He's just 4" I say as we sit on the curb on the way down the street to the store because he refuses to walk ONE BLOCK to the store because it's a) too sunny, b) too cloudy, c) his socks are hurting him or d) the sidewalk is too hard and he insists he needs to cut across everyone's lawn and I insist that's not going to happen.

I want to enjoy Rascal more. I want to look forward to our last year together before kindergarten and savor it, not silently regret the decision to delay kindergarten a year and wish that he was out of the house and out of my hair. It seems like he's much happier when I'm not around anyway...

I know when I look at my beautiful baby boy we both feel that we love each other no matter what. But lately I don’t think we like each other very much.

And that sucks. I don't know what to do about it.