Thankful?

This past weekend was Thanksgiving. With so much to be thankful for, I am still feeling a bit down.

My in-laws love me. They really do. I love them. I really do. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I am so blessed to be welcomed so lovingly into their family. In all of their wackiness, they remind me of “Meet The Robinsons” and they’ve opened their arms and accepted me and all my wackiness. I've grown to appreciate their love for their holiday traditions which includes a first course of "fruit salad" made of canned fruit cocktail, bananas, cool whip and mayonnaise (which I refuse to eat), mashed potatoes with a wallpaper paste like consistency (also made with mayonnaise - it's a sickness), and far more holiday decorations than any single family should own including a cacophony of a dozen or so musical ones that belt out various holiday tunes if you walk nearby. Or sit nearby. Or sneeze nearby. Or breath nearby really - something's always making noise....

That being said, I miss my own family at the holidays.

Many years ago, Thanksgiving seemed so easy and the plans seemed to be set in stone. We went to my aunt and uncle’s house (my dad's brother) for a our traditional Thanksgiving meal with turkey, roasted potatoes, brussel sprouts, stuffing and gravy followed by English trifle and Christmas fruit cake set ablaze. I hear that my dad always bitched and moaned about the holidays and family gatherings, but I can't remember missing one.

After Dad died in 1993, we all sort of got lost. My aunt and uncle still do Thanksgiving, but without the communication hub of my dad, somehow I got dropped off the invite list. I know that I am always welcome to show up on their door but without the invite it seems weird. My dad died just as I was coming into adulthood and I hadn’t really learned who I was, where I fit into the world or how to navigate my role within my family.

Since then, my family has been haphazard about their holiday planning. For the first year or two we continued to go to my aunt and uncle's. My retail job at the time also had me working on Thanksgiving and because of that there were a couple of years that I missed the holiday altogether. During those years I think my family drifted from my aunt and uncle’s plans. My dad was the glue that held us all together and without him we started to float around trying to figure out what our holiday traditions would involve without him and how they would change now that we were all adults, some of us with new families of our own.

Then I met Tony and “cram both families into one day” began. “The Robinsons” always wanted to know just what my family’s plans for the day were - weeks in advance. Realizing what a pain that was, Tony and I made the choice one year to choose between the two. I hadn’t heard anything solid from my family, so we chose “The Robinsons”. And then again the next year. And the next.

I used to call everyone up in my family and ask what their plans were for the day. Usually their plans were “I don’t know”. In contrast, “The Robinsons” have their holiday plans mapped out by summer. As the holiday approaches, I always hope that my family will get their crap together and pull something off. But as Thanksgiving draws closer I give up and resign myself to the foods and traditions of “The Robinsons”, "fruit salad" and the absence of stuffing included.

But here’s the kicker….

Even though my family says they aren’t doing anything, they always get together anyway without me. I’ve prepared myself for this fact over the last couple of years, but it initially caught me off guard. I remember calling my sister once to wish her a happy Thanksgiving and discovered my entire family was there celebrating together. And nobody bothered to mention it to me. I was so angry I cried when I got off the phone. It happened again the next year. I suppose they assume that I will be going to “The Robinsons” for dinner and that’s why they don’t bother to invite me anymore. I'd be more than happy to change my plans given a small heads up or an invite.

I know that my family is not trying to be hurtful. In fact, I would bet they would say they are trying to spare me from having to make a choice. I would also guess they don't want to hurt my feelings about missing their gathering by rubbing in the fact they are getting together without me.

But I still miss them. It seems like we only hang out at my boys’ birthday parties and a very belated Christmas in January (one year, I don’t even think we all got together then because there were Christmas gifts exchanged at Domino’s birthday party in March). I want my kids to know their aunts and uncles and cousins. They are so familiar with all “The Robinsons” family but I have to show them photos of their aunts, uncles and cousins on my side and explain who they are. It makes me sad.

I know that my family is very busy - but I wonder how much different the holidays would be today if my dad was still alive. Would we all make the extra effort to get together? Would it be assumed that I would go to my family's Thanksgiving instead of "The Robinsons"? Would my family see each other more than 3 times a year? Did I mention that we all live within an hour of each other?!

So – what’s the point of this post? I’m not sure. Am I whining? Yes. Am I thankful? Yes. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely.

I told Tony next year we're having Thanksgiving at our house. Invites will go out well in advance. :) If you can't beat 'em, invite 'em.

Happy belated Thanksgiving.